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S,

i'm sorry that i left. i know he was always so scared that i would, and i finally did. it was too damn hard to pretend to be that strong all the time. i know you understand and that's why i'll always love you - you were the first person to ever really understand me, my first real best friend. it hurt me more than you know that you weren't surprised that night, and that you didn't even talk to us. all we wanted to do was show you how much we cared.

i'm not really sure where life is taking me right now. i'm in love with someone you never approved of, but never had the courage to just tell me that up front. but, i'm at a point now where i won't allow myself to love him, so my life is filled with petty lusts. i don't want to go back to that girl i was in eighth grade. i don't really have a best friend anymore. not one like you, anyway. one that will sit in the sand with me and talk about life. one that won't make fun of me for not wanting to step on the slimy rocks, but will do it just to show me how there's really nothing to it.

i miss you. this isn't a falling out, even though i know you think it is. this is me trying to become me. i followed in your footsteps for just a little too long. i could never be as good at soccer, or as good at making people laugh, or as determined to get everything possible out of life. i got a little too jealous of not being regarded as a sister, even when you were so quick to call her by that name.

anyone who doesn't accept you, doesn't know you. i'm sorry that you let me in and i wasn't able to keep us strong. i'm sorry that i lost your trust. but you'll never lose me, and i'll never lose you.

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on a napkin she scrawls this is glamour

January 2008

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